“You’re boring,” he said. The comment took me by surprise.
It happened decades ago. I was an intern at a chemical lab. A coworker – an adult, I was still a teen — came into the lab and began working at a different station. We each were concentrating on our own tasks in silence for several minutes when suddenly he said, “You’re boring.”
“What?” I answered. It felt like an insult, but I wasn’t sure. Plus, I wanted to buy time. How should I respond?
“You never talk,” he said. “You don’t socialize. Boring.” Then he left.
“But I have nothing to say at the moment,” I thought, not terribly hurt. I had never cared for him. Instincts validated.
Still, the audacity stunned me. What kind of jerk tells someone they’re boring to their face? What kind of adult says that to a teenager?
But I was new to the workplace, so I stayed quiet and observed. What counted as “not boring” for him was boring to me. When he socialized (as he called it) he complained about traffic, about the weather, about our job.
His idea of “not boring” and “socializing” was whining about everyday stuff. Smaller than small talk, just casual complaints. I decided to play along. The next time we were both in the lab area, I said, “How about that traffic, huh? Terrible!”
That led to an instantly forgettable exchange about the tiny annoyances of life. He never called me boring again.
The Greatest Sin in American Society
That was the only time in my entire life I was ever called boring. I have been loved, liked, disliked, even hated, but I’ve never been called normal. Or boring. One thing I’m not is boring.
That may sound boastful, but that’s not the intent. Because I believe what I just said applies to you. And everyone. No one is boring. In the modern vernacular, the term is “basic.” No one is “basic.”
Mediocre thinking goes like this: If your tastes and preferences are seen as unoriginal or just at the surface of any field, they are called “basic.” By extension, you too must be “basic.”
Calling someone “basic” is also used as an insult, as in, “You’re not interesting. You’re boring.”
You’re being accused of committing the greatest sin in American society: failure to entertain.
But I don’t believe anyone is basic. I think everyone is interesting. They just don’t show it. For whatever reason, they often keep their most fascinating selves hidden. For fear of judgment, for privacy, whatever. There are dozens of reasons why people might hide their true nature, and probably a dozen more that are unique to them.
An Error of Judgement
The accusations sound like you did something wrong. In my case, I never liked the chemical lab guy because he was a small-talking blabbermouth. In keeping with my theme here, he may have been interesting in some way, but I never saw that side of him, and after he casually insulted me, I never cared to.
The worst people are interesting, just not necessarily the people you want to get close to. Serial killers for example. Interesting, and definitely not basic or boring, but not admirable.
What I couldn’t articulate at that time was this: People aren’t boring. They just don’t trust you yet, or ever.
What I Could Have Said
In retrospect, I laugh at this fool from my distant past.
“I’m not here to entertain you.” I could have said. “And you’re not exactly a day at the carnival yourself, Mr. Small Talk.”
Well, I could have said all that, but I didn’t want drama at my first real workplace. Maybe that’s why that fool considered people boring. He was clearly judging and others instinctively knew it. When people sense you’re judging them, they close up tighter.
That’s your loss. Not theirs.
A Whole New Weird, Wonderful World
I once made these comments in a business meeting. Later, a colleague approached me and said, “You’re right. I really appreciated what you said about being fascinated by people’s secret lives. I have a secret I don’t tell anyone. I sell sex toys.” Then she gave me her business card.
It was of no interest to me – honest! – but here was someone I knew nothing about. Yet when I expressed my admiration for people’s non-workplace persona, she knew she could trust me. And now I’m a regular customer… KIDDING.
The world and the creatures in it are full of wonder and secrets. If you just think people are boring, they’re not going to correct you. If you demand they dance for you, they’re going to freeze up. Earn their trust with genuine curiosity and the world gets even more interesting.