Larry Nocella

Category: Life

  • Are You Psy-Curious? Let’s Try Talk Therapy. 

    Are You Psy-Curious? Let’s Try Talk Therapy. 

    What kind of a complete stranger could you cry in front of? That was what I wondered when I decided to try talk therapy. I wasn’t planning on crying, but I was going all in, and who knows where that leads? 

    We accept checkups and tune-ups as sensible for our body and our machines, but we tend to think our mind can run itself for its whole lifetime without a single review. We think our mind is under our control, but I think after a few millennia, the evidence is in. Our minds are not fully under our control, and humans can occasionally be a bit, what’s the term? Nuts. We humans can be a bit nuts. 

    Fortunately, mental health awareness has improved over my lifetime. Nowadays I can’t listen to a single serial killer profile podcast without having to skip several ads reminding me to care for my mental health. 

    How to Choose a Therapist 

    I had no idea how to do any of this. Being a standard issue guy in many ways, I imagined my therapist as a femme fatale. Tight skirt, tight white blouse, stockings. Her hair would be in a bun, just begging to cascade down her back for instant sexy-mode activation. 

    I needed some maturity here. A pal advised she had switched therapists a few times before finding a match. Really? I was so new to this, I didn’t know that was an option. Of course, I had to stay “in network” for my insurance. Still, knowing I could change took the pressure off of finding a fit the first go. It all felt a little what I imagine the dating scene is like. You have to talk to a lot of frogs to find your prince. 

    I just wanted someone who would listen. I chose a woman. As an aspiring alpha male, I didn’t want to expose weakness to other males. Call me silly, call me childish, call me whatever you want. I plead guilty. But it’s me and my session, so what I say goes.

    King. Captain. Don.

    I don’t lack trusted people to talk to. I’ve not experienced the standard horrors of abuse, PTSD, etc. Sure, I complain, but catch me in a rare honest moment and I’ll admit I’m blessed.

    Therapy isn’t just for when you need help. The same way having good health isn’t just for when you’re sick. Or exercise isn’t just for when you’re weak. You should maintain, develop good habits, and chase out bad ones. Whether it’s nutrition, physicality, or mentality, you have to get your reps in to be at your best. 

    I like the idea of having an advisor, a coach, someone completely out of the emotional atmosphere of your life. Being American, my worldview is informed by entertainment (reference my imaginary dominatrix therapist from earlier). I see myself as the Don, the king, the captain, leaning to the side, as my advisor whispers intel and wisdom in my ear. 

    The Outside View 

    The first session was a get-to-know-you. The therapist made sure I wasn’t having suicidal thoughts or battling any mental emergencies that would require immediate action. Once past that, we began. What did I want to get out of this?

    I simply started talking. I spoke about things that bothered me, things new and old. Even very old.. It felt great to get an outside viewpoint. Your loved ones’ perspective is distorted by the same emotional atmosphere you live in. They too, are exhausted by it all, they too need to talk and be heard. But what if you AND your partner are both exhausted from listening? What if you BOTH need to talk? That can be overcome with patience, but a therapist makes it easier. That outside perspective, coupled with professional training, is a powerful resource.

    When two people are drowning, we don’t ask one drowning person to assist the other. We dispatch a lifeguard out of the scene and rested, preferably with a rock-hard body. What I mean is, it’s best to send someone out of the chaos to help. Someone trained and skilled in navigating rough waters. 

    Taking a Shower For Your Soul

    I have ended up liking the sessions and continue them regularly. Sometimes the talks are deep. Sometimes they’re brief and amount to a check-in. After the sesh, even if the tone was sad, frustrated, or angry, I feel refreshed. Therapy is like taking a shower for your soul. 

    It’s like having a friend without the pressures and obligations of friendship. We talk about anything on my mind. In this way, I’m able to respond rather than let ruminating corrode my inside. 

    I want to say therapy is not for everyone, because I’m not everyone. But like I said at the start, do you really think your mind can run itself at its best your whole lifetime without any outside review? I don’t want to preach, so I’ll say I do think everyone should at least try therapy. See if it works for you.  

    You’re not giving up anything. You’re still the star player of your life. No matter what your coach says, you still perform the action. But it’s helpful to have someone, sometimes applauding you, sometimes giving constructive feedback, but always wants you to succeed.

    Graphic by CHAT GPT AI with this prompt: Please make a strange but attractive square graphic to accompany a blog about a person attending talk therapy and working on their mind represented with swirling colors.

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  • Hollywood Heroics Hold Lousy Love Lessons

    Hollywood Heroics Hold Lousy Love Lessons

    Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

    Well, That’s One Way to Show You Care

    Like a lot of American kids in the 70s I learned from the TV show The Brady Bunch.

    Wait. Edit. Being the free thinker I am, here’s a better way to describe it. As an American kid in the 70s, I watched The Brady Bunch and learned whatever I wanted, not necessarily what was taught.

    Let’s review the episode where Peter saved a girl’s life by pulling her away from a collapsing bookcase. (S1. E21. The Hero.) Everyone praised his actions, he got a big head, and the episode ends up being a lesson about the dangers of hubris.

    My pre-teen romantic self learned a different lesson. What a great way to get the attention of those wonderfully mysterious creatures called girls! No worry about saying the wrong thing or being laughed at. I kept my eye out for loosely attached bookcases with helpless damsels beneath.

    I looked and looked and looked, but no luck.

    I share this goofy tale of a poorly constructed mental model because I think a lot of folks make this mistake. It’s most common among my fellow bros, but I see it everywhere.

    Being Heroic, Poorly

    Some examples. People express their love by claiming how willing they are to put their physical safety at risk to protect their family. How ready we are to deliver extreme violence upon anyone who threatens them. We wait for Hollywood-style moments of daring athletic opportunity. The end result is a weird hope for that burning building, that oncoming car, that falling bookcase. All so we can prove we love someone.

    Or maybe it’s just me.

    I don’t think so, because I learned all this from a colleague. When my beloved was sad and I went into rage-at-others mode, she (the colleague) reminded me. Rather than scream at everyone else, I should stay calm and comfort my loved one. Deescalate, don’t escalate. It’s a lesson I’ve carried with me ever since. It’s amazing sometimes the small things we say that stick with others. (Hey Tina! Hope you’re doing well, whatever you’re up to!)  

    Hollywood Help Hurts

    I’ve been on the receiving end of this Hollywood help, too. I can confirm it’s no good. After I had a panic attack at work, a friendly co-worker called. He described all the savage things he wanted to do to the people that were causing my anxiety. I went into stress overdrive, and though the call was well-meaning, it did nothing but harm.

    Comfort your loved one. Soothe them. Worry about being a psychotic vengeance-bound Hollywood hero later – if it all.

    Once I stopped looking for poorly-anchored furniture, I noticed something. There were dozens of chances every single day to be the hero, to show your love for another.

    You can bring them treats when they’re sick. Say nice things when they’re bummed. You can support them when they fail. You can soften their fears. On and on and on and on. You don’t have to wait for danger to be the hero. There are endless opportunities every day to show people that you love them.

    Bonus Round – Episode Re-write

    If that Brady Bunch episode was written today, it might be possible to cast the noble Peter as the villain. Sure, he tackled the girl out of the way of the falling bookcase. Yes, he saved her. But he also cheated her and her parents out of a gold mine of a wrongful injury suit.

     Am I learning the wrong lesson again?

    Image by Bing Copilot AI. Prompt: A knight in shining armor is comforting a sick loved one in bed by bringing her a bowl of soup.

  • The Words You Need When You Need to Quit

    The Words You Need When You Need to Quit

    Estimated reading time: 8 minutes

    You’re at the edge of a difficult decision. Or you’re considering a bold move. Or you threaten to quit something you’ve been doing for a while. During those times, if you consult other people, both the well-meaning and the not-so will ask you, “What will you do instead?”

    What will you do when you quit your horrible job? Who will you support if you don’t vote for one of the two very similar corporate candidates? What will you do when you drop out of college? When you leave your abusive relationship? Your awful family? Your oppressive religion and/or cult? What will you do when you move to a new city where you don’t know anyone?

    Sometimes you have an answer. But sometimes, the answer you need is best expressed with two simple words: “Not This.”

    I know, I know. You’re supposed plan. Don’t quit something unless you have something else lined up. That’s the ideal, but sometimes the matter is urgent. For your safety, or sanity, or self-esteem, or something, you can’t stand one more instant where you are. You don’t have time to plan. Ot maybe you’ve tried everything you’re willing to try, but you’ve reached your limit, and you’re done. More done than done. Going forward? You can’t even. Sometimes you don’t know what’s next, but you’re willing to risk it. You have to risk it. Because where you are must end and it must end right now.

    The answer, when people ask, “But what is your plan? Where will go you? What will you do?” is simple: “Not this.”

    That’s the summary of today’s discussion. If you want more detail, it follows. I came across this wisdom by accident, when I dropped out of college.

    Quitting College, The Easy Way

    Let’s start towards the end — when everything I suspected was confirmed against my desire to be so cynical.

    I had called the university administration office to speak to an advisor. Once connected, I asked my simple question, “I no longer wish to attend college, how do I quit?”

    The answer was brief and quick. She didn’t even pause to look it up or ask a colleague.

    “Just don’t pay your bill.”

    I was stunned. This couldn’t be. Wasn’t there something to sign? Wasn’t there a guidance counselor who would want to speak to me, try to talk me out of it? Find out what issue I was having? Didn’t someone — anyone? — want to find out why? I had accrued 75% to 90% of credits required for a Bachelor of Science degree in Computer Science. Now I was announcing my intent to abandon the venture. Did anyone want to know why?

    “Just don’t pay your bill.”

    It seemed that no one cared. No. It was a fact that no one cared. They weren’t even interested in pretending to care.

    “Just don’t pay your bill.”

    It was a perfect summation of all I had experienced, and I was still shocked. This wasn’t an education. It never had been. This was a transaction. What I had thought served the purpose of enlightenment and advanced learning was just another purchase.

    Like nearly everything else, The Academy had fallen to late-stage capitalism. Had it ever been free of it? Or had that been an illusion I, like so many others, had fallen for?  I felt embarrassed. I was naive to have thought it was anything else. Now here it was, laid bare.

     Just don’t pay your bill. Fine. I won’t.

    A Multi-Decade Experiment in Quitting

    I can look back now. After a few decades, it turns out quitting college was one of the best decisions I ever made in my life. Ever. Few decisions have been as frightening. In my tiny world few actions have been so boldly against the norm.

    It was thrilling and terrifying because I had no idea what the future might hold. I had no idea what I would do next.

    I was certain of very little, but that little I was damn sure of. No way could I endure being in a classroom for one more instant. I could not deal with someone else determining where my thoughts should go. I could not abide the ritual of learning by sitting and being lectured to, chasing the curiosity of someone else when I had plenty of my own to explore.

    My truest hate was for “homework.” That was a ritual I had hated since the early days of high school. You hogged up my entire day, and now you want me to do more of your crap in my free time? I don’t think so.

    I consulted others and still others offered their advice, unsolicited, as people do, when they heard of my intent. Some shrugged and let it go. Some claimed I was right but that this ritual was “required” for adulthood. Others were more aggressive, even angry. You’re so close, can’t you hold on and finish? They didn’t know that I had tried that. I had switched majors, transferred to another university, all kinds of variations. Nothing improved. I still hated it all.

    There was a huge lesson here. I didn’t know how to articulate it at the time, but I do now. This bit of wisdom has served me well. Sometimes the best description of our future plan can be described as “NOT THIS!”

    Because sometimes that’s as clear as it gets in the moment. You’ve tried everything to make it work, and it’s just not happening.

    What Happened When You Quit?

    And so, my college career ended. Without ceremony, without fanfare. With a simple, unpaid bill. I returned home to live with my parents. I suspect they were nervous. Both were valedictorians. Both had formal education beyond a standard Bachelor’s degree. I think what prevented further drama was that I went to work immediately.

    I got a job. That was the default plan for after college. I cut out the middle step early. It’s what I always wanted: to be independent and have my evenings to myself. Bonus burst of wisdom here, after quitting with no plan, let your needs guide your next move.

    A few years later, I moved out and supported myself with my girlfriend, who became my wife. She also comes from an academically gifted family and is also a proud college dropout. Yes, it was love at first sight. Funny twist: a mutual college friend introduced us, so I can’t say my journey to university was worthless.

    Pause For De-Offense-ification

    Whenever I tell my story of quitting college so long into the venture and how proud I am that I resisted the sunk-cost fallacy and stone-cold quit, I can come off a little judgey. I am cynical of the whole ritual, but I must take a moment and say this isn’t intended to offend anyone.

    This isn’t me saying that you’re a sucker for getting a degree. Yes, I have my opinions, but I realize that this is what worked for me. I want people to realize that sometimes you have to jump, even without a plan. For those who attended university and had a wonderful experience I’m glad for them. It just wasn’t for me.

    There are trades where intense schooling and certification are required and should be. (Architecture, engineering, medical fields, etc.) For what I wanted to do — computer programming (coding) — many people were self-taught. What I was teaching myself was more relevant than what I was being taught. The Computer Science classes I took never built the skills I wanted to build.   

    In the Rearview Mirror

    Now I’m well into a history of working. I have a career. I like where I am and the unique perspective I bring to the degree discussion. Having only a high school diploma hasn’t held me back.

    I shake my head a bit and laugh when I see stories about organizations moving toward “skills-based hiring” and away from degree requirements. (Source.) Shouldn’t that have always been the case? But I get it. Many people who have degrees are great, competent, etc. But a select few clowns think that sheet of paper is a magic scroll that makes them smart.

    But we’ve all met plenty of people with degrees who are terrible at what they do. A degree and a skill seem to have a loose correlation – if any at all. What matters are the usual traits: determination, integrity, curiosity, humility, etc.

    These aren’t new ideas, but it seems only lately such facts are entering the common consciousness and polite, public conversation.

    Further Reading

    I’ve even seen references to “The Paper Ceiling” (Paper Ceiling website) referring to how us un-degreed people can only progress so far in some short-sighted companies (probably the same ones that insist on making people go to an office.) There’s even a group now, and a name for us, STARs (Skilled Through Alternative Routes.) (The STARs website)

    The Opportunity@work STAR program looks interesting. Unfortunately, it activates my personal paranoia that wonders why? I’m always skeptical of a group that comes out of nowhere and seems to have decent funding. In a system (the USA) where very little happens unless someone might profit, what’s the profit motive for a group like this? Possibly advocating for degree-less people in an attempt to make them accept less pay? I don’t know. I’m likely being too cynical in my speculation. It’s definitely worth a look.

    So anyway, this is me encouraging you – no matter what you want to quit, to not worry so much if you don’t have all the answers. Yes, think about them, yes consider your plans. But I’d suggest also allowing for those times when you simply can’t stand one more moment where you are. Where your only destination is, “Not this!”

    Links below are media on quitting and are affiliate links to Amazon. I will get credit for a referral at no extra cost to you. If you like the everyday wisdom shared here on LarryNocella.com, please click the link and shop away.

    Quit and Thinking in Bets by Annie Duke – Annie Duke is brilliant and has written these two great books about decision-making. I could have used them 30+ years ago!

    The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Runner. This short novel always makes me smile because of its ending. You’ll have to read it to find out why. It’s also a movie. And a song by Iron Maiden.

  • Adding a Shot of Adventure to Every Day

    Adding a Shot of Adventure to Every Day

    Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

    Before There Was Streaming There Were Re-runs

    Gather round, younglings! Let me tell you of a time long ago, before streaming movies and on-demand TV shows. Back then, television was broadcast over the air in a fashion called linear. You couldn’t change the sequence. The station would broadcast the shows when they wanted one show after the other – in a line, aka linearly – and you had to catch them when they were on.

    This led to a thing called reruns. In those dark ages, when a series was sufficiently popular, one of the five over-the-air channels would re-run the show’s episodes.

    Networks would remind viewers what they were showing when. I remember one commercial distinctly. A hand would stretch out, push a button on a computer console, and a voice-over would say, “Set the course for high adventure! Star Trek reruns on Channel 48 at 11 pm! Every weeknight!”

    Or something like that. My memory isn’t exact on it all, but that phrase, “Set the course for high adventure!” hit warp speed as it rocketed into my cerebral cortex. That urging comment has stayed with me ever since.

    Set The Course for High Adventure

    Now, many years later, nearly every morning when I rise, as I go about the daily routine to prepare for the day ahead (making the bed, brushing my teeth, getting dressed, etc.) I think to myself, “Set the course for high adventure!”

    If I’m feeling especially imaginative, I follow that up with a vision of Snoop Dogg passing by. He’s strolling along with his trademark bounce-walk, my psychonaut wife at his side, each of them smokin’ a log-sized blunt. Snoop asks, “Did someone say ‘high’ adventure?” Then they both vanish as I scold them, “Not that kind of high!”

    The point is, at the start of almost every day, I remind myself to prepare for, and aim for, adventure. Because that’s what every day is: an adventure waiting to happen, a journey into the unknown full of surprises and challenges. Even mundane workdays can be packed with creativity and fun and a chance to show the world how awesome you are.

    What Does This Have to Do with An Electric Scooter for Adults?

    It’s like this: my wife is addicted to her morning coffee. Being the good friend I am, I like to supply that drink for her every morning. The problem arose when, as much as we tried, as many copycat recipes as we researched online, we couldn’t find a way to make her very specific Starbucks drink as good as the local baristas.

    My mission became this: travel roughly 1.5 miles every morning to get the Starbucks and bring it back. Driving was no fun, because then I was just another sad soul trapped in a car. I thought about bicycling it, but there are some formidable hills on the way and some mornings I’m just tired. I considered rollerblading, but they are difficult to remove and not good for walking on surfaces. What about an electric pedal-assist bicycle? I could — but if I lost interest, wowzers, those things are expensive.

    There had to be a way to travel small distances that wouldn’t take too much effort, would lead to adventure and wouldn’t clear $4,000 for a reputable brand. How do I get the morning trek to coffee and yet still have fun?

    An adult electric razor scooter ended up being the answer. It was roughly one thousand dolalrs with warranty, could support by big old adult body, and it could handle the hills. And it had a ridiculous nerdy appeal to it. It would anger control freaks and it would empower the downtrodden. Perfect.

    The New Routine

    Now every morning when the weather is good (which it usually is for Spring Summer Autumn) I hit the scooter and get the coffee. I have a messenger bag and some solid-sealing thermoses to hold the drinks. I wear a helmet (of course) covered in stickers showing my allegiance to freedom and noble causes such as gay rights, peace and love, etc.

    The scooter is a tiny bit of adventure, but not so much that my heart is thumping, and not so little that I’m just another person in the car, rolling around town. It’s what I call a sprinkle of adventure. A spritz. A shot.

    There’s other benefits. People smile when they see me. Especially kids. Teens think it’s cool for the quirky edginess, young kids think it’s cool. There are of course some grouches out there, who beep at me or make snide comments on social media. As usual, I ignore them with glee.  

    Contrasting Adventure Styles: A Daily Shot vs Extreme Sports

    The point of the discussion here is to remind you that adventure goes by different definitions. I fear many people skip adventure because when they think of it, they think only of extreme activity: jumping from a plane, cliff diving, intense scuba, etc. 

    Extreme adventures require lots of skill, practice, travel time, often money, etc. Plus, as much of a rush as they are, they often take long time to prepare, cost a lot, require advanced skill, and carry a risk of severe injury or death. Worst of all, they’re often over in seconds.

    There is a place for adventures like that. I don’t render any negative judgment on those who do those things. Extreme adventure is awesome. I love it. I simply say, yes, that’s ONE WAY to enjoy adventure, but it is not the ONLY WAY.

    You can fill your belly with one big meal, or lots of little snacks.

    Extreme adventures are out of the reach of most people. Either because of cost or time. But adventure spritzing, sprinkling, a sort of salt bae of adventure, a little bit every day – that’s in the range of everyone. You just need imagination and desire.

    The response to my scooting is overwhelmingly positive. People are kind, many fill me with compliments, and are curious. I hear plenty of people come up to me and ask things like “How much did that cost?” Or they outright say, “That looks fun!” and so on. And of course, little kids are curious, and teens smile along for the quirky aspect of it all.

    My point of all this is: adventure is out there, you don’t have to be extreme to do it. It’s out there right now waiting for you. Go get it! Set the course for high adventure!

  • Helping a Depressed Friend Buy a Gun

    Helping a Depressed Friend Buy a Gun

    Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

    What We Can Learn from an Appalling Lack of Situational Awareness.

    “I’m depressed,” my acquaintance posted on Facebook.

    You’ve probably seen similar testimonials. Someone shares a deep secret on social media. In this case, as expected and warranted, many friends offered their support, their love.

    It was one of those moments when you think social media can be a beautiful thing.

    Then, a week later, the same guy posted requesting advice on how to buy a gun. His friends began offering tips on what handgun would be best for him. The same so-called friends who one week ago promised support for his deep depression were offering advice on how he might purchase a firearm.

    It was one of those moments when you think social media can be an awful thing.

    I didn’t know the guy well. “Friend” has become a loose label thanks to social media. To call this guy a friend would be too strong, “Acquaintance” was more accurate. Still, even though I’d only met him a few times, I felt I had to say something.

    A generous conclusion would be his friends were oblivious. Maybe they didn’t remember all the bro-hugging about support against depression from the previous week. I hesitated. Would this be some sort of social overstepping?

    I thought about it overnight. The man’s safety was urgent enough that I was willing to risk our acquaintanceship. I couldn’t be silent, and so I replied to all the responses to his “What’s a good gun?” request. In essence, I said this: “How dare you help your friend buy a gun when he just said he’s severely depressed! Are you all stupid?”

    Speaking Up with Surprising Results

    The replies came back much as I feared. I don’t need to tell you what they said. You already know. They were the same logic-free NRA talking points that have been circulating for years.

    • “He has a right to a gun.”
    •  “If he’s going to kill himself, he’ll find another way, so why does getting the gun matter?”
    • The one I remember most was the context-free one: “We don’t want to become Europe.”

    Who said anything about Europe? I wasn’t discussing gun control, hadn’t even mentioned that topic. This wasn’t a debate. I was addressing a very practical matter: our acquaintance/friend recently told us all that he struggles with extreme depression. Then, mere days later, he expressed interest in buying a gun, and many of his so-called friends gave him advice on how to do so.

    What about that sequence sounds okay to you? To ANYONE except those in the thrall of gun cult mythology?

    To conclude this sad tale, the depressed guy answered all our comments with some mush about appreciating “both sides” of the discussion.

    I wanted to say, “You need some new friends, stat.” But it never came to that, because soon after his “both sides” comment, he deleted it all: his request for gun-shopping advice, his dumb “friends” telling him how to get one and which would be best, and my post scolding them.

    That was the last I heard of it.

    I hope I made a difference but I’m not optimistic. Since he was but an acquaintance, I disconnected from him on social media. I did not want to be around should the obvious happen.

    The Mental Component

    That’s what happened and it is a true story, but I don’t blame you if you don’t believe me. A skeptical person would think I made the story up to promote an agenda. There’s a lot of that going on.

    People make up anecdotes that support their views. They make claims, say, that a person in the military came up to them and told them (in tears) how bad the current president is. Or some religious person claims that dozens of atheists arrived at their temple and wept because they were so hopeless. Or whatever. The sales pitches are never-ending.

    I appreciate skepticism, but if you look around you’ll observe your own stories just like the one I mentioned earlier. Here in the USA, there’s no end of firearm owners who lack situational awareness, that is, the mental component of competent action. Here’s some samples: A person knocks on a door because they’re lost and gets shot. Police arrive at the wrong address with tragic results. A sound of a falling acorn, a plastic bag thrown, all result in shots fired.

    Knowing HOW is not the same as knowing WHEN and WHY

    What worries me most are these amateur commandos think that just because they have shown competency at a firing range, that they understand all there is to about shooting and killing another person. They think that just because they have proven that they know HOW to shoot a weapon, their work is done. They don’t seem to devote much time to pondering or training about WHEN and WHY to shoot one. Their noble impulse to defend themselves and others becomes dangerous because their practice is incomplete.

    They haven’t tested themselves under real-world less-than-ideal conditions. Such as, if they are half-asleep and they think an intruder is in their home. Or if they are exhausted. Or if they are afraid, or babysitting an infant, etc.

    I personally do not own a firearm, and despite my leanings and preferences, I’m not as anti-firearm as you might suspect. I see a use for them, but I see far much more carelessness and very little attention paid to the mental component of action. 

    This isn’t just about weapons, though — this is about anything and any action. When you’re planning for action remember there’s more than just HOW, there’s also WHEN and WHY. There is always a mental piece, and often an emotional piece. All of these play into it and we need to train on them just as much — if not more.

  • Hordes of Dog-Biting Men! -or- Lessons Learned About News Bias and Disinformation From a Fight for my Honor

    Hordes of Dog-Biting Men! -or- Lessons Learned About News Bias and Disinformation From a Fight for my Honor

    Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

    I was a teenager when the knock sounded. We weren’t expecting anyone. I answered. Two kids were in my front yard on their bikes. I was immediately suspicious. I knew them from High School. I wasn’t friends with them, but I didn’t like them. I didn’t hate them or consider them enemies, but they were enemy-adjacent: friends with other kids I actively disliked.

    We’ll refer to them as Messenger and Assistant.

    “Martin is talking crap about you,” Messenger said.  Martin was another kid from high school, in the same category as these two: enemy-adjacent.

    “Oh, is he?” I asked.

    “Martin says he can beat you up,” Messenger said.

    “Really?” I didn’t trust these guys, and I didn’t like them. I felt the pressure, and I gave in.

    “Take me to him.”

    As I walked behind the kids on bikes, I looked back toward my house.

    My mother had arrived at the front door. She knew these neighborhood kids and their reputations. She stood on the porch, worry on her face. The scene was a Hollywood cliché: the mother watching fearfully and helplessly from her home’s stoop as her prideful eldest son foolishly walked off to defend his honor.

    Along the way I questioned what I was doing. I was fully aware I was giving in to peer pressure, even as I was buckling under it. I didn’t care about what any of these dopes thought about me, or what they said.

    Meanwhile, Messenger scolded Assistant and demanded he lend me his bike. “So he’s not tired for the fight,” he reasoned.  Assistant refused. I shrugged and walked alongside them. It wasn’t far. A few minutes later, we were at Martin’s house. He was standing in his yard.

    “Hey,” I said to Martin. “I heard you were talking trash about me.”

    “I wasn’t,” he said.

    “Yes, you were,” Messenger said.

    “No, I wasn’t,” Martin insisted.

    Messenger and Martin bickered.

    “Oh. Well don’t,” I said, and I left.

    I was annoyed at the whole situation, but mostly irritated with myself. On the solo walk home I thought about the stupidity of it all. I didn’t care if any of them had been talking trash about me. Why should I care when it has no effect on me, and I am not even aware of it? I had no desire to fight him, even if I had correctly assessed him as a douche.

    The real villain in this whole scenario was Messenger: The leader of the two kids who came all the way to my house, interrupted my day, to inform me of something I would never have known had he not put out that effort.

    Martin’s bravado would never have affected me. Yet Messenger went out of his way to inform me of something that would anger me. It was the first time I had encountered that creature that walks among us: the pot-stirrer, the trouble-maker.

    The cliché is “don’t blame the messenger.” But like so many clichés, it shouldn’t be taken as an absolute, but applied wisely. In this case, the Messenger was the villain. But not all messengers are. Let’s discuss.

    Don’t blame the messenger. Except sometimes, blame the messenger.

    Cute story. Why share? Because I want to add to the current alerts against bad info. Right now there’s plenty of warnings against online communication. Watch out for bias, for misinformation (accidentally wrong) or disinformation (intentional lying.)

    The point I want to add is, be mindful of what it is doing to you.

    What is the information you consume doing to you? 

    You can’t be sure of others’ motivation for what they tell you or the accuracy of the info. But you can easily track how it changes your actions and your moods.

    What were those annoying kids who tried to lure me into a fight trying to do? I don’t know. Maybe they were bored, didn’t like me, or they didn’t like my “opponent,” or they didn’t like either of us. Whatever it was, it wasn’t something for my benefit. While I was aware of what they were doing and I disapproved, I still went with it. 

    What I wish folks drawn to Fox News and its clones and as a result turned into — or exacerbated as — embittered angry folks would focus on is what Fox is doing to them. Fox is angering you for its own agenda. But it’s not just Fox. It’s any source of info. 

    All communication is some form of manipulation. 

    All communication is some form of manipulation. What is it doing to YOU? I’m writing this to convince you (manipulate you) into thinking that you should be wary of what news does to you. Less effort on trying to gauge if a communicator is sincere. More effort on what your reaction is to it. 

    I’m not saying hide from bad news. I’m saying don’t wallow in it. Do I need to hear over and over and over and over and over and over the same info about some horrible disaster? I heard ya the first time. Otherwise, I’m absorbing something that makes me mad or sad and I can’t change it. 

    Justice Gone Weird: If Not You, Who?

    You can lose anyone to any source of info: news, cults, etc. Even to causes of justice. Another quick anecdote: A while back, I went on a binge of donating to good causes. At the time, my heart was deep in the cause of animal rights. Cruelty to animals hurts me like few other evils. I donated what I could.

    What resulted from that? More mailings from more groups requesting money. Each day I went to my mailbox I could count on another letter with a photo of an animal suffering. As I attempted to defeat animal suffering, I saw it more and more. It got to the point where it was depressing. But should I look away because it upsets me? Or because it upsets me I should donate? 

    But I already had donated. I was told it was up to me. If not you, then who? That’s a lot of pressure to put on someone. It can be a spur to action: I must do my part!  It can also be auto-defeating: I didn’t fix this problem, therefore, I have failed. All my actions meant nothing. 

    image created by DALL-E AI

    Hordes of Dog-Biting Men

    The old saying is “News is Dog Bites Man not Man Bites Dog.” 

    That may have been the case when news was a single, optional thing throughout the day.  

    It’s still optional, but less so. Existing in modern America it’s hard to dodge news that’s big enough. You can even overhear it all. If news is Man bites Dog, then people exposed to endless news cycle will think there’s hordes of dog-biting men roaming the streets. And based on some of the conspiracy crap floating around, it seems that’s the least crazy of their beliefs. 

    Watching the news too often skews your perspective. But it’s also the only way for us to get news from across the world.  

    What should NEWS be? 

    The “meta” of the news is what’s important to talk about. The channel itself is telling you what should be thought about and debated. CNN tells you you should think about the war machine and Wall Street. Fox News tells you should think about culture war stuff (aka “anything new is stupid.”)

    There has to be a better way to “news” I’m not sure what it is, but until I find it, I’ll be carefully watching its effect on me. Especially as it sustains or reduces my endurance in supporting important causes.