Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Well, That’s One Way to Show You Care
Like a lot of American kids in the 70s I learned from the TV show The Brady Bunch.
Wait. Edit. Being the free thinker I am, here’s a better way to describe it. As an American kid in the 70s, I watched The Brady Bunch and learned whatever I wanted, not necessarily what was taught.
Let’s review the episode where Peter saved a girl’s life by pulling her away from a collapsing bookcase. (S1. E21. The Hero.) Everyone praised his actions, he got a big head, and the episode ends up being a lesson about the dangers of hubris.
My pre-teen romantic self learned a different lesson. What a great way to get the attention of those wonderfully mysterious creatures called girls! No worry about saying the wrong thing or being laughed at. I kept my eye out for loosely attached bookcases with helpless damsels beneath.
I looked and looked and looked, but no luck.
I share this goofy tale of a poorly constructed mental model because I think a lot of folks make this mistake. It’s most common among my fellow bros, but I see it everywhere.
Being Heroic, Poorly
Some examples. People express their love by claiming how willing they are to put their physical safety at risk to protect their family. How ready we are to deliver extreme violence upon anyone who threatens them. We wait for Hollywood-style moments of daring athletic opportunity. The end result is a weird hope for that burning building, that oncoming car, that falling bookcase. All so we can prove we love someone.
Or maybe it’s just me.
I don’t think so, because I learned all this from a colleague. When my beloved was sad and I went into rage-at-others mode, she (the colleague) reminded me. Rather than scream at everyone else, I should stay calm and comfort my loved one. Deescalate, don’t escalate. It’s a lesson I’ve carried with me ever since. It’s amazing sometimes the small things we say that stick with others. (Hey Tina! Hope you’re doing well, whatever you’re up to!)
Hollywood Help Hurts
I’ve been on the receiving end of this Hollywood help, too. I can confirm it’s no good. After I had a panic attack at work, a friendly co-worker called. He described all the savage things he wanted to do to the people that were causing my anxiety. I went into stress overdrive, and though the call was well-meaning, it did nothing but harm.
Comfort your loved one. Soothe them. Worry about being a psychotic vengeance-bound Hollywood hero later – if it all.
Once I stopped looking for poorly-anchored furniture, I noticed something. There were dozens of chances every single day to be the hero, to show your love for another.
You can bring them treats when they’re sick. Say nice things when they’re bummed. You can support them when they fail. You can soften their fears. On and on and on and on. You don’t have to wait for danger to be the hero. There are endless opportunities every day to show people that you love them.
Bonus Round – Episode Re-write
If that Brady Bunch episode was written today, it might be possible to cast the noble Peter as the villain. Sure, he tackled the girl out of the way of the falling bookcase. Yes, he saved her. But he also cheated her and her parents out of a gold mine of a wrongful injury suit.
Am I learning the wrong lesson again?
Image by Bing Copilot AI. Prompt: A knight in shining armor is comforting a sick loved one in bed by bringing her a bowl of soup.