The Epic True Tale of How I Became an Amazon Influencer and Was Canceled In the Span of a Week.
Chapter 1: A Delightful Surprise
Congratulations, Amazon Reviewer! You have posted so many reviews and earned so many helpful votes that we are going to promote you to Vine Voices: Silver Tier. What is that? It’s an Amazon program for our best reviewers! You order items that interest you at not cost! Shipping is free. You only need pay taxes on the item as appropriate for your region. In exchange, all we ask is you leave an honest review. You can keep the item.
That’s the summary of an email I received from Amazon’s Community managers. What a delightful surprise! I had seen the “Vine Voice” badge on other reviews but never gave it much thought.
A lot of moral panic has followed the information that most young folks want to be an influencer. (Source.) I’m not part of that demo, and I don’t care to “influence” — it looks boring, actually — but here I was, suddenly scratching the surface of that realm, simply by accident! Ha! Take that, younglings!
I mostly reviewed books, but also home improvement gadgets. I especially enjoyed sharing tips I learned during the installation process. Other people’s reviews had helped me, and I wanted to help others. Plus, reviewing is a healthy writing exercise. You gather your thoughts and articulate them in a sensible, concise, entertaining format. That’s the essence of writing.
I had been posting reviews to Amazon for at least ten years and scored over 200,000 views according to their stats. When you do something consistently for years, results add up. Eventually, people notice.
My first day as a “Vine Voice” was fun! A shopping spree in the world of stuff! I browsed the catalog and ordered a stylus for my iPad, a desktop disco ball laser light for fun, and a few household items. Total bill: $0. Total shipping: $0. Total for Amazon, roughly $60.
The items arrived fast! The iPad stylus was the first. I loved it! It was much cheaper than the official Apple Pen. I genuinely liked the product and still do. I gave it an excellent five-star review and hit the “submit review” button.
Interlude
The days after my induction into the Vine Voices led to some interesting conversations. My wife was genuinely surprised I had been posting reviews that consistently. I laughed. It was nothing to me, and still is. Writing a 200-word essay in grade school was terrifying. As a semi-mature adult, I can now bang those out in ten minutes.
That convo with my wife was fun because it was a reminder that you can know someone intimately and still surprise them. She had done the same for me by growing mushrooms during the pandemic. People often do fascinating things casually and sometimes it becomes a habit. They don’t think it’s anything special. But by the time others notice they are amazed.
Having written 100s of reviews over the course of 10+ years, I never thought of it. I just enjoyed the writing challenge. I did it consistently and suddenly an opportunity came to me.
It was cool. I was an INFLUENCER. I couldn’t wait to tell my friends. Not because I felt like I had “made it” or something, but because part of my comedic persona is to pretend that I am a celeb — when I’m so obviously not. I find it funny. My wife finds it funny and plays along. Most of my friends find it funny, but I know at least a few who find it annoying. Which, of course, makes it funnier. (Hi Michael!)
Anyway….
Just by doing a little thing I enjoyed over many years, I had amassed a library of high-quality reviews. Life is so often full of terrible surprises. This was a rare, enjoyable surprise. I went to bed smiling, thinking of the inspirational Linkedin posts I could compose. I imagined a profund quote, “Do something consistently for years, and good things will come…” Yeah, something like that…
Chapter 2: A Not-so-Delightful Surprise
We have detected unusual review activity on your account that is against community guidelines. You are no longer enrolled in the Vine Voices program. Further, we have removed all your reviews from Amazon, and you can no longer review anything.
What. The. What!
That’s a summary of an email I received the day after posting my first review as an official Amazon Vine Voice Influencer-type person. Less than a week had gone by since the email admitting me to the program. I had some questions, as I’m sure you do. Here’s a list:
- What happened?
- What had I violated?
- Can I just edit the reviews?
- How did you tell me on Monday that I’m such a valuable reviewer you’re going to send me free stuff, then on Friday you tell me I’m such a terrible reviewer that my present review is rejected, my future ability to review is disabled, and all my past reviews have been deleted?
Well folks, those questions are still outstanding.
As of this writing, I still don’t know. I have emailed them multiple times, asked for clarification and apologized for whatever it was that upset them so. My Vine Voices career is over. From Influencer to Canceled in less than a week.
Other parts of my Amazon account still work fine (where I buy stuff – of course) and some where I create content for Amazon (write books, buy ads to promote my books, develop Alexa skills.) Those still work perfectly. But no more reviewing for me, it seems. Yeah. Weird.
Chapter 3: My Many Possible Sins
No matter how many times I contact community help, I haven’t gotten an answer. Left with no options, I start thinking back. Maybe they didn’t like when I did (whatever). Maybe they didn’t like when I did (other thing).
I assembled a list in my mind of all the things I might have done that triggered this absurd series of events. Then I think, ya know, if you have a LIST of possible infractions, maybe you weren’t as well-behaved as you thought. I just wish if that was the case, they would have told me sooner. And not told me I was such an asset before immediately telling me I was such a liability.
A list of my possible sins:
- Rating my brother’s book. My brother is also an author, writing under the name “L. Ted Nocella.” (His books here.) As a show of support, after purchasing one of his books, I gave it a five-star rating. I wouldn’t give him a full review because that would look obviously biased (Man loves brother’s book!) Since I was the first to rate the tale, we noticed when it came down shortly after.
- The bidet attachment joke. I recently reviewed a toilet bidet attachment. It was a normal positive review. I genuinely enjoyed the product and called it a “game-changer” (what kind of games you playing?) The potential problem? I wrote a line in the review, “I haven’t seen an asshole this happy since Trump got elected.” They flagged it, I took out the joke, and the review went public. Things like that had happened before: little violations that got flagged. I always made the edit, never argued. No problem.
- The mysterious scolding. In keeping with their extremely impersonal, clueless tactics, a few months ago, I got an email from Amazon Community managers, “You have violated a policy. This is your first warning.” This came out of nowhere with zero context. I had no idea what it applied to as I hadn’t posted in a month or so. I wrote back, asking for clarification. No response.
- My review signature. I always signed off on reviews like this, “Larry Nocella, author of the novel Razor Wire Karma – available on Amazon.” That little line at the end was a blurb approved by Amazon Community Management. I’ve written dozens, maybe 100s of reviews since with that signature. No problems. If only I could find that email exchange where they told me it would be acceptable…
Chapter 4: I Make My Case
Against all odds, I found the email convo I had in 2013 – a solid ten years ago – with Amazon review management. In that email, an employee of Amazon instructed me how I could add the signature (fourth bullet above) so it would be acceptable. Since 2013, I haven’t deviated from those instructions.
I was like Vader closing in on Skywalker in the 1977 film… “I have you now!” (Video.) … but the results were as disappointing for me as they were for the Lord of the Sith.
I immediately sent the exchange to community help with a note, “Is this what you all are upset about? Because I got permission from you.” I offered to edit all my reviews if the policy had changed – that wouldn’t be a difficult task.
What did I hear from them? They say they reply in 24 hours! Can you guess what they said? Yes, you can!
There was no reply.
Chapter 5: It’s Not Me, It’s You
If I was a standard-issue crybaby conservative, this would be the point where I monetized my perceived persecution. I would run shrieking into the public square that I had been canceled by big tech, that they were biased against me… You know the script.
But I’m not a crybaby — Nor a conservative! Don’t insult me! — and I believe in reality. The boring reality is, like any huge tech company, Amazon has mostly terrible customer service and inconsistent community management. I got tossed around in the machine’s gears, that’s all. There’s no grand conspiracy to silence me, just everyday bureaucracy.
Then again, everyday bureaucracy isn’t always a bad thing. I won’t mention the time Amazon sent me an extra popular and expensive electronic device. When I took the honest route and told them, they didn’t advise on how to return it. After waiting forever for a response, I just kept it. I’m not going out of my way if they’re not. Don’t fret, Amazon. I just made that story up. Or did I?
I recently learned one of Amazon’s goals is to be Earth’s most consumer-centric company. (Source.) Is this how a consumer-centric company acts? Definitely not.
But that sounds angry. I’m not angry, just bummed. It was a fun, if brief, ride, but there are plenty of places to publish reviews, and I should be working on my next novel more anyway!
So don’t worry, Amazon, this is just a temporary hate phase of our love-hate relationship. I can’t review any more, but I’m still a customer. Like any good union-busting, cheap-labor-exploiting, family-business-killing, double-yacht-funding, tax-dodging monopoly, I just can’t quit you.