Photo by Caleb Chen (@calebchen) on Unsplash (unsplash.com)
I was proud of myself. I was doing a good deed. But before it was all over, there would be tears. What happened?
Back before remote work, Stephanie (not her real name) was always bringing in snacks for the team. Every Thursday or Friday, we could count on a spread of goodies in the break room.
She did it with such regularity and quiet dedication, we came to expect it. People tossed a halfhearted “Thanks,” her way as they ran to gobble the goodies. But eventually even that faded, and people silently ran to grab the snacks that magically appeared.
But that one special day was different, because on the way to the office I had picked up a huge, sweet Starbucks drink. I was going to give it to Stephanie, as a concrete appreciation for her generosity.
I set the drink on her desk.
“Good morning, Stephanie. You always bring in treats for us, so I brought this for you.”
…and she burst into tears.
She wailed a little too. I panicked. The tears were coming so fast and loud, I was terrified that I had done something wrong. What had I missed? Perhaps her friend had been seriously injured by a rogue Frappaccino. Had my offering brought back terrible memories? Argh! Me and my stupid ideas.
No, she finally clarified. She was just touched. Then she cried some more.
What made it worse was that on the same day, our new manager was starting. She was patrolling the cube farm, getting to know us, and here I am standing next to a coworker, while that coworker is bawling her eyes out.
“Stephanie, it’s okay. Please be quiet,” I said. But then I realized, that sounded ominous and creepy. My new manager kept looking over at us to see what the disturbance was. Fortunately, Stephanie got control of herself. She assured me the tears were happy tears.
I start with the anecdote as but one example of this simple truth: People are starving for appreciation.
Scratch that. Edit. People are not merely starving for appreciation. They are thirsting for it. Nearly dying for it. The zillion-dollar social media industry (including this site) is built primarily on an infinitely renewable resource: people’s need to be noticed and valued.
All you have to do to satisfy that universal need, to get someone on your side, to make them happy, to make the world a better place, perhaps even accidentally bring them to tears of joy is show some gratitude.
Say “Thanks.” That’s it. Completely free. Completely effortless. It’s well-known that showing gratitude makes you happy, too. Minimum investment, maximum impact. Even crypto-hype doesn’t live up to that kind of ROI.
We humans want others to be amazed by us, even if what we do isn’t that amazing. We want others to say they’re jealous of us. Most of all, we want a little thanks.
So do it. It’s free. Show appreciation. Show gratitude. It’s also useful because sometimes, for whatever reason, you will have nothing else to give, or you’ll be forbidden to give more.
Not everyone agrees with me. I was once taking a management course and the trainer advised the opposite.
“Never say thank you,” she said. “Never say thank you to someone for doing their job.”
Fortunately, the class erupted in open revolt. A debate ensued. The consultant held her ground and the debate stalled. Agree to disagree.
But to that anonymous trainer, I say, “Go ahead, never say thanks.” See how far that gets you. See how the people around you (in work, life, all other relationships) react. Watch as your competition — who does deign to say “thank you” as a matter of respect — motivates effortlessly while your team mopes.
I can’t help but think that surely one of the other courses this alleged business expert offers is a lecture on how to improve morale. I’ll save you the time: say thank you.
Even when someone does their job. Even when someone does what’s expected. Even when it’s not amazing.
Of course, it’s not necessary. Of course, you don’t have to. But why not? It’s free. 100% free. It’s kind. It makes people feel good.
You might even bring someone to tears of joy.