The Jerkiest of Jerks
It’s no secret this world is full of jerks. Jerks of all kinds. At the top of the scale, the jerkiest of the jerky, are those that exploit kindness. I mean those who pretend to be in distress, then when a passerby tries to help, the criminal strikes, robbing (or doing something worse to) the kind soul.
Those goons achieve peak jerkitude because they not only harm their victim, but they create a world frightened to help out a stranger. They steal kindness from us all.
That is why I hold a special place of distaste for Bill O’Reilly. Who?
Younglings may not remember this clown, but for a while, he was a popular example of that awful breed, the Culture Warriors. He was that type of person — a type that sadly has become more numerous — who complains about things that are individual choices and really none of anyone else’s business. Or they complain about entertainment and entertainers, trashing people and events with no genuine civic power.
Fake Culture Wars vs Real Class Wars
In my mind, it was Bill O’Reilly who started – or at least made popular – this idea that there was a War on Christmas. A laughable idea, being as the instant Halloween decor comes down, Christmas songs begin.
O’Reilly complained about people trying to enforce the sensible separation of church and state, as evidence of a nefarious attempt to eliminate Christmas entirely. I believe he did this for the same reason anyone hypes a war: to make money, and to gain power. There is also the benefit (for those who seek to rule) of distraction from real life-impacting issues.
The same playbook is in use today. If you create a culture war, you can get people to side with you even if you do nothing for them. People will vote against their own interests if they believe they are fighting on the correct side of an imaginary war.
Despite being fake, the War on Christmas does real damage in the real world, just like those jerks I mentioned in the beginning. Ever since Bill O’Reilly used his cable news pulpit to hype this bogus war, now every year I see people announce on social media how they will defiantly say “Merry Christmas!” no matter who tries to stop them – despite the fact that no one has ever tried to stop them. Then you also have people explaining why they prefer to say Happy Holidays (because there are multiple holidays at the end of December, because you don’t know a person’s religion, etc.)
The entire concept of a War on Christmas has made people hesitant about wishing others well, or feeling they have to justify sharing kind words because they somehow might not be the right kind words. Words of good cheer were turned into a battle cry.
The Hell of Wishing Well
The result? Today when I wish someone “Happy Holidays!” a thought sprints across my brain, “Is this person a Christmas Warrior who will manufacture offense at my sincere desire for their happiness?” In short, like the fake-distress bandits, the War on Christmas has made me pause before wishing someone happiness.
This world needs people encouraged to share kind words, not discouraged from doing so.
To all Christmas Warriors out there, turn this around. Many times in my life, you have said to me, “I’ll pray for you.” How would you feel if I flipped out and answered that with, “How dare you! I’m an atheist! You should just HOPE for me!” You would be confused and hurt, and rightly so. You would think, “How rude! Praying is how I show you respect. I’m wishing you well.”
Exactly.
The New and Improved Battleground: Toilets
Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me. Let this be the last one. I declare the war on Christmas over and done. We all lost. Borrowing from Christopher Hitchens, if a war can be started with an imaginary declaration, let it be ended with the same ease. The good news is, the War on Christmas seems to be losing steam as a culture warrior tactic. It’s just gotten too old to get working class people out to vote for rich people who steal from them.
The bad news is that I believe this is why we’re seeing a ramping up of the Toilet Wars. That is, arguments over where a trans person will privately drop their waste. This is the younger, sexier, new and improved culture war taking the spotlight.
It’s got everything a good culture war needs: imaginary problems, things that bother no one unless they buy in to one-in-a-trillion type scenarios that have never yet happened, distraction from important issues, and even better, it can be argued year-round. Early-adopter ethics-free charlatans are already fighting the Toilet Wars relentlessly, gathering fame and converting that fame to cash.
We couldn’t stop the last war, but we can recover. Let’s fearlessly say kind things to each other and enjoy when someone shares a kind word — even if it’s not our word.
And as for which toilet someone uses? Let’s not give a crap.
Image by ChatGPT AI. Prompt: A cartoon illustration of Vietnam-war era soldier emerging from a toilet bowl, surrounded by Christmas lights.