“An enormous child-grooming ring has hidden in plain sight for decades, calling itself the NRA and disguising itself as civic duty,” said Sarah McLeo, FBI Director.
“Children — indoctrinated from infancy to adore firearms — grow up to share photos of their brainwashed families clutching weapons. They are lured to believe that gun-ownership brings freedom, and that fear or replaceable possessions are more important than another person’s irreplaceable life.”
Citing the fact that flags at half-mast serve as reminders of our nation’s failed gun laws, congress has passed a bill requiring all flag poles be built to half-standard height.
Senator Cruk (R-TX), who authored the bill, explained, “Now our flag will always fly proudly, as high as it can, even as we honor the dead as necessary sacrifices for freedom. Everyone wins. Problem solved.”
The reality TV show “This Man is Getting Married” was planned like other dating shows: a single man seeks a wife, reducing a pool of dozens down to one. The show shockingly ended after one episode.
“We do background checks on all contestants,” said producer Brit Sterna, “But asking about religious beliefs is forbidden. We had no idea our bachelor was a fundamentalist Mormon.”
Candidate for School Board, Conrad Erbon, expressed his opposition to a non-existent grade school transgender studies quiz, citing an event that never happened. “No child of mine is going to take that quiz,” he said.
Erbon’s six-year-old son said, “I don’t know what daddy is talking about. But what’s transgender?”
Midway through a showing of the conserva-ganda film ‘My Son Hunter,’ a prankster yelled, “Fire!” This caused the crowd to panic, during which self-described Free Speech Absolutist, Kevin Bunt, was trampled to death. Friends said Bunt would have supported the prank. “Kevin always said, ‘Free speech or tyranny. No in-between. In the middle of the road, you get squashed.’”
“The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is to arm everyone. We’re applying that logic toward our goal of stopping the spread of drag queenism,” said Principal Brazetti of the Holy Cherub Academy, as he flung a pink feather boa over his shoulder.
“It’s regrettable, but the only practical solution.”
“Usually, by the end of the morning, I’ve posted a bunch of pix to my socials,” said influencer Kristi McKannen. “I always drop a few selfies to start. Then I add in a couple of my poodle, Ritzi. But today, to remember 9-11, I posted exactly twenty (because that’s nine plus eleven) photos of soldiers deploying to Iraq.”
When reminded that Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11 attacks, McKannen shrugged and said, “It doesn’t matter anyway. I support the troops. Hashtag Never Forget. Now, let’s see some more snaps of Ritzi!”
* * *
In a nearby park, Russ Tillkop stood at a memorial to the lives lost during the September 11, 2001 terror attack.
“Someone needs to remember these people,” he said. “I’m going to stand here and hold a salute for nine minutes and eleven seconds.”
Five minutes into his lone vigil, Tillkop’s phone chirped.
“Damn it,” he said, digging in his pocket. “I turned off all notifications. This must be an emergency.” He pulled his cell phone out and read the screen, yelling to no one.
“No way! You gotta be kidding me! They just deactivated one of the starters on my fantasy football team. Damn. I gotta fix this now. I’m gonna need a wired connection. My sister better not be using my PC.”
He ran to his car and sped away.
* * *
The cable news call-in show featured commentary from a retired general.
“Today, on September eleven,” he said, “We remember that the people of foreign lands hate us because we are free.”
The host pressed a button. “Caller, go ahead.”
“Thank you,” the caller said. “This comment is for the general. Some might say that the USA’s foreign policy at least in part led to the terror attacks. The pentagon is in the business of war. Does it bear some blame for September 11th?”
The general’s chest swelled. His mighty jowls burned bright pink.
“Today we’re all Americans,” he roared. “Rather than think about our own petty agendas, let’s remember that we need to remain on a war footing. Whatever we spend on defense, we clearly weren’t spending enough in 2001.”
“Sounds a little like you’re using 9-11 to lobby for more funds,” said the caller. “Isn’t that self-serving? Isn’t—”
The call was cut off.
“Sorry about that, General,” the host said.
“Not to worry. I can handle nut jobs. But I would encourage all your viewers to remember a simple principle. Freedom isn’t free, so you’d best pay for it.”
When all the votes were tallied, the election volunteers, already exhausted from a full day of thankless work, re-counted the votes by hand.
“I couldn’t believe the results myself,” said Judge Julie Barban, Tennessee’s state-wide Director of Election Services. “I ordered a recount. I can now say with absolute certainty that our next Governor will be a write-in candidate, the headless fetus!”
Ms. Barban was referring to the headless fetus still inside the uterus of a Tennessean teenaged sexual assault victim. The plight of the pregnant girl (whose name is being withheld because she is a minor) became nationwide news when she was arrested by police while attempting to flee the state and seek an abortion.
The write-in campaign for the headless fetus was coordinated by a group known as the Lord Almighty’s Righteous Disciples. The same group is also on the FBI’s homegrown terrorism watchlist.
“This is a sign from Jesus!” cried Basheba Odenus, CEO of the group. “Here in Tennessee, soon we’ll have a governor worthy of us! A true advocate against abortion!”
The election upset sent shockwaves across the landscape of the two-party system. Political consultants, usually wise in hindsight, were flummoxed.
“I’ve never done opposition research on a fetus before,” said one prominent operative. “But I could see it setting a trend for future candidates across the country. Maybe it won’t be so bad. Wouldn’t be the first time the people were represented by a brainless, under-developed creature.”
Media correspondents were given access to the jail cell where the fetus (and the girl anti-abortion figures are referring to as “its teenaged container”) is housed. The girl wept while an ultrasound wand was placed on her belly so the assembled reporters could ask questions.
“Headless fetus! Headless fetus! What will your first action in office be?”
There was no answer. The whooshing of the ultrasound machine filled the room as the blurry black and white image tumbled and rolled.
The began nervously talking among themselves.
“Was that a shrug? I thought I saw a shrug.”
“Looked like a thumbs up to me.”
“You sure that wasn’t a penis?”
“It doesn’t have a penis yet.”
“Is ‘it’ the pronoun we should be using for the likely next governor?”
There are many more questions to be answered for this unprecedented event.
One thing is certain: Tennessee’s people are going to be represented by a governor without a brain.
Somewhere in the symbolic halls of American mythology, the Tree of Liberty has died. The metaphorical tree has perished from over-watering.
United States Tree Surgeon General Joshua Hilderberger explained.
“The Tree of Liberty doesn’t thrive on water, it lives on blood. Unfortunately, its roots have not been fed a healthy dose of the occasional blood from patriots and tyrants, as Thomas Jefferson advised. It’s been drowned. The poor tree was saturated with the blood of children who didn’t think the gun was loaded, by students just trying to learn math, by macho fools facing off in Wal-mart parking lots, by lunatics freely offered the deadliest firearms, by cruel morons stoked by crueler con-artists, by false patriots determined to defend freedom but becoming its greatest enemy, by wars to support access to petrol for oil companies. And on and on. I could list a million other sources. At this point, it doesn’t matter. The Tree of Liberty is dead.”
Observers consider the Tree of Liberty’s demise a dire warning that America’s freedoms are dwindling.
Several tourists passing through the White House garden were surprised when the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appeared.
“By thunder!” his shade yelled. “I was strolling about the land of the dead when I recognized that tree. I knew it. You killed it! How much did you fools feed it? I said it needed to be watered from time to time. Not every day. Who is supplying all this blood? Patriots or tyrants?”
White House press secretary Shaynah Helmsmarin rushed to the scene.
“Actually, sir, most of the blood is from children.”
“Children, you say? But how?”
“Well sir, it appears the modern people of America have chosen to murder each other at an unprecedented rate.”
“Murder each other? Gads! Are you in time of a civil war?”
“You’ve been gone a while. There was a Civil War, but the tree survived that. Barely.”
“What of now, then? What drowned this poor plant?”
“Well, everyone has access to a firearm now. Anyone and everyone.”
“Then we need to mobilize the well-regulated militia to restore order,” Jefferson said. “Madison was explicit. All who own firearms must take part. It wasn’t hard to understand.”
“Ah, about that… there is no such militia.”
“Gods! Such foolishness injures my ethereal soul! Where is my love slave? I mean my slave. I mean my lover! A man needs comfort! Damnation! You clowns know naught of freedom’s ways! Send me back to oblivion!”
With that, his specter disappeared.
Secretary Helmsmarin fielded questions from reporters.
“Does the White House have any plans to replant the Tree of Liberty?”
The press secretary’s answer was swift. “No. We have plans to do what we always do when we burn through our natural resources. We’ll buy a plastic replica from China.”
“You’re telling me that I get to trade these loudmouth, fake-ass patriots for somebody else? Anybody else? SOLD!”
So declared Brian Millboffer, resident of Texas. He was responding to an encounter with a self-described Sovereign Citizen who shared his beliefs with Mr. Millboffer.
“This guy is standing outside the store and he was telling me about this thing called White Replacement Theory or some crap. Supposedly the powers-that-be are letting in immigrants to replace white people. All I could think while he was giving his speech was that if it will get rid of racist idiots handing me pamphlets outside the hardware store, I’m on board.”
Mr. Millboffer is white.
“Sure, I’m white. My mom’s family is from Ireland, my Dad’s from Germany. So what? I’m an American first and foremost. That means live and let live. Let other people be, regardless of their background. It’s not hard. So yeah, if we can replace some of these white power douche buckets with some foreigners, I’m all for it. Get some Mexicans instead. The yards around here could use some landscaping.”
The sentiment was a common one among Millboffer’s white neighbors.
“The Japanese are good with electronics, right?” said neighbor Nicole Tarro. “Maybe we could get some of them in our town to set up a computer repair shop. My laptop went down last week and I sent it away. It took three months to come back. I’m totally on board with trading violent Nationalists for some Japanese computer wizards.”
Karl Murn, also white, was even more forceful.
“It ain’t the Indian family next door that’s trying to turn this nation into an uptight weirdo Christian cult waking me up at four in the morning every Sunday with their loud ritual prayer stuff. We got enough racists in the country. Haven’t we met our quota? Send ‘em back, send ‘em away, I don’t care. Dump some of them for some Indians. Maybe they’ll open a restaurant. I do love me some curry.”
Millboffer summed up his largely white neighborhood’s feelings.
“The same people crying about the Great Replacement Theory or White Replacement or White Genocide or whatever… are the same racists that make America suck. If the Zionist Jews, aliens, lizard people, whoever those clowns think are in charge – If they want to get rid of some racist assholes then I’m just fine with it. White replacement? Where do I sign?”